What it takes to raise a family

I wrote this for a friend’s wedding. I like what I wrote so thought I’d stick it on here. I’ve left the references in for character but removed the names. Hope some of it is useful/interesting:

What I’m about the read are my own thoughts on what is takes to be a good husband and a semi-competent father. You’ll likely disagree with some of what I’m about to say. That’s OK.

I’d rather answer the brief you gave me truthfully and hopefully with a modicum of wisdom, than to make it saccharin but not prophetic. So apologies if this is less enjoyable to listen to than the no doubt eye-watering, soul-enriching, belly-busting and rapturous-applause-inducing best men speeches we’ll bear witness to in a few hours. No pressure chaps.

I’ve split this into 3 parts so if you get bored at the end of part one, you know roughly how much more there is to endure.

Marriage

1.Avoid judging your wife not on what you thought they promised they’d be. Nor what you want them to be. Learn to discover who they are as they do the same with you. The goal of this relationship is for you each to help each other discover the ways in which you’re fucked-up, and then gentle support each other as we change, evolve & grow (into a slightly less fucked-up version of ourself).

2.Understand, you are not, and never will be a perfect husband. The perfect “you” died the day you decided the haircut of a 12-year-old comic and skateboard aficionado was an appropriate choice for your wedding day. Just attempt to be the most virtuous “you” you can be that hour. The same obviously goes for your much better groomed partner.

3.It might be a little late for this given where we stand, but choose your life partner not on who has the best earning potential, can stimulate you intellectually or who has the fittest body. Those things will all become less important over time. Base your decision on who will be the best parent. You’ll soon come to realise it’s way more important than everything else. As it happens, I think you’ve both chosen rather tremendously. Ironically, as you’re currently fucked-up (they haven’t fixed you yet (see above)) you probably have some of the wrong ideas about what it means to be a good parent.

4.Don’t try to compromise or worry if you disagree. Disagreeing is fine. Learn to live in a world where you can both hold different views and be comfortable living together with each other holding a different opinion. This is where the growth will come from.

Children

1.The job of a parent seems to largely be, ensuring your bundle of joy doesn’t turn into a heroin addicted, bigoted prostitute. While there’s no guarantee you can ever avoid it, one way to mitigate drug-fuelled wenchery would seem to be to ensure you’re children feel they are unconditionally loved. Loving them unconditionally is not enough. Your children have to believe they are loved unconditionally. That doesn’t mean they are never reprimanded or challenged. But they must know that whatever wrong they’ve done, no matter how disappointed, hurt or ashamed you are of them; they are loved unconditionally. One finds it much harder to imagine, 20 years hence, your future children sitting on a therapist’s couch, having survived years of their own self-loathing & torment; while simultaneously feeling unconditionally loved by mum & dad. It’s worth remembering here, that the parent is the only relationship that is also (I think incorrectly) a verb. Nobody goes around sibling-ing or child-ing or aunt-ing. Why do we think someone should go around parent-ing?

2.When I comes to reprimanding your offspring, each time you attempt to tell your children not to do something, ask yourself whether you truly believe in the rule you’re about to enforce. Are you asking them to behave in a way your parents taught you to behave, in a manner which fits into what you believe are societal norms; or are you guiding these bundles of potential based on their propensity to actually do damage to others?

• Does it really matter if they want to put their raisins in their milk?
• Is it really harmful for them to wear their princess dress and army boots to the supermarket for the 17th time in a row?

You get to choose for them so make sure you choose those boundaries wisely.

3.Another faux pas I’ve witnessed is parents passing into their progeny, all of their unfulfilled ambitions. Someone much wiser then me once wrote:

“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.”

4.The temptation with one’s offspring is to optimise for happiness. You quite often hear parents liberally claim that all they wish for in their children is happiness. I think this is a potentially poisoned chalice. Given there is no way you can know what truly makes your children happy, what is required for them to reach self-actualization and spiritual transcendence, attempting to give them the things that provide happiness seems fraught with danger.

Instead, I think the qualities that will best help them discover what happiness is for them is kindness and bravery.

• Kindness will allow them to be open to all of life’s possibilities.
• Bravery will equip them with the fortitude and resilience to dig beyond the superficial and discover the truth of life’s many mysteries.

You

This is far more important than the previous two sections. Look after your own mental well-being before you attempt to address your families happiness. A stressed, unfulfilled & and ill-contented parent does not do a good job of becoming a partner, or guardian capable of unconditional love.

As a final piece of advice, I’ll say this. The miraculous curse of raising a family is not a new one. While it might seem at times as though you’ve been banished to an island whereupon you’ve been uniquely faced with the demons of cohabitation and parenthood, take solace that there have been almost three thousand years of art, poetry and philosophy which have tried to make sense of humanity and the condition of familial life. If you open your eyes to the wisdom of those who have walked this crooked path before you - for me at least - there has been an almost endless well of wisdom, comfort and guidance to help guide you both.

I wish you both limitless love, patience and luck as you both start this next adventure together. Personally, after 4 years of marriage, I think I’m just beginning to understand, how to navigate the terrain of familial life. Watching the two of you, play, stumble and adore our own child, and looking at the two of you loose yourself in each other’s eyes today, I reckon you guys can do it in 3.

I love you both very very dearly x

That’s it. Hope you enjoyed.