My non erudite maxim
So I had this little epiphany the other morning. The world is full of these ‘useful’ little maxims that over-generalise behaviour, attitudinal problems, enlightenment and a myriad of other nonsense. Some are literary detritus:
- Every cloud has a silver lining
- There’s no “I” in “Team”
- If you put your mind to it, you can achieve a bird in the hand for success comes to those who wait to get up early and catch the worm who gives you wings
And then then there are some good ones:
- The time you enjoy wasting is not wasting time
- Don’t half ass two things, whole ass one
- Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile
Well I had one of my own about a month ago and have been testing it since to decide how useful/empirical it is. Thus far, it’s stood the tests of my “scientific” study.
The thought occurred to me thinking about social interactions you have with people who seek to gain pleasure from your torture. Essentially, bullies. And then, thinking about those whose own self-worth is so low, the only way they can seek to gain self-acceptance is by belittling themselves for the pleasure of others.
Both of these styles of communication (make others feel bad to make yourself feel good) & (make others feel good by making myself feel bad) are wrong. Or at least, not constructive if you desire a kind life.
The thought then occurred to me (and this is my maxim (though not as erudite and pithy and Mark Twain & Bertrand Russell), there are 4 outcomes of all types of communication:
- I feel good
- I feel bad
- They feel good
- They feel bad
The maxim is (poster attached for the use in your annual 5-year sales forecasting meetings):
True, this hypothesis discounts any value gained from communication that results in anything other than feeling good/bad. However, I’d wager that irrespective of the motive of your discourse, helping the other person feel good will get you a shit load closer to your true goal. Perhaps you have some honest feedback about someone’s weight or some upsetting news about a job offer. If you try to make yourself and those you're communicating with feel good, you’ll get a damn sight closer to having the actual effect you wanted. The phrase “Tough love” would be better written “Tough LOVE”.
Maybe try it next time you have a tricky conversation (or any conversation for that matter). Let that crazy little voice in your head tell you:
My goal is to make them feel good, and me feel good.
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